[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.