*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Breaking news:
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
