*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]