Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me in tagged photos
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
@ candidates for local office
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel