Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
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I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
marvel comics have peaked
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Stop
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
A ghost story
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.