Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
More like Kate Missington.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.