Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.