Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I love you…
…r dog.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
British people
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I love texting my boyfriend
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character