*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.