[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

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My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them


I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.


Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.


Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.


I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.


My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum


How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!


*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Brain: Why do you hate me?