[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!