[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.