Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

A leaf blower, but for people.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad