*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle