*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??