(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
