(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*