(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.