(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You Might Also Like
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Feels like the fourth month in January
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Don’t forget to tip your server
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
This is true.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.