(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Haha! 😂
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me driving through Toronto
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere