(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined