Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
You Might Also Like
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Introverted vegans go meetless
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve