Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
You Might Also Like
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.