Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

58.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Do not levitate over flowers

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert