*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.