*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
