*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
dude it’s called proctologist
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet