*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Based Erika
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.