Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

my first day as a raccoon

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”