Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

The pen is writier than the sword.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it