Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

dogs can find happiness so easily

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Multitask? I can barely unitask

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

your honor my client chooses dare

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”