Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Life cycle of cat

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Does it…does it take 3 days

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

This dude got his own movie?

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?