Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

hmm conte-me mais

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Rooting for the overdog