*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.