*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.