*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Labreador
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is