*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
what it’s like dating me:
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
old twitter is back baby
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around