*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!