*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump