Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?