Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

My patience has stretch marks.

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

can’t believe I got front row seats

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.