@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

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@amishschool

Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@ADHDeanASL

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

@psybermonkey

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

@hashtag_stacks

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@ColIegeStudent

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.