*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
had to make it
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Meanwhile in Canada…
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it