@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

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@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@coryrichardson_

[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

@sonictyrant

mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back

@Playing4Second

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.