Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Me: it’s complicated
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt
me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.