*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣