Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

is this meant to deter me

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

…

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no