*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
This will teach them to underestimate me
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
This guy gets it.
Friday
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped