*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
She might be a genius
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.