Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

😂

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators