[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Howl 😭
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker