[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[eulogy]
line?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window