[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You Might Also Like
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!