Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Lmao
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.