Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
i was baptized in a car wash
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
This anagram machine is out of order.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?