Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Who says great literature is dead?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
A comma is just a period with a mullet.