Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach