Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.