*looks at you in batman voice*
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Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
What about a To-Don’t List?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price