@Petote

*looks at you in batman voice*

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@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

@Crunk_Jews

Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?

@beefman138

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@Dawn_M_

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.