*looks at you in batman voice*

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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?


Her: I’d take a bullet for you.

Me: How soon can you do that?


PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.


I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.


I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.