In hell, your socks are always wet
*looks at you in batman voice*
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.