*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Strangers have the best candy.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?