Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Cold.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Couple goals

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.