*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You Might Also Like
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
good for her
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
But I really needed water water water
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You sure about that?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
