*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.