*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave