*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
