*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.