[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me sliding into hell like
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.