[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
So, can we agree on 4 or
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
