[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️