Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

9 circles of hell in this economy?

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

This is what makes twitter great

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.