*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.