Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..