Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

What?

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

This guy gets it.