*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
wtf is a larm clock?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I am absolutely never leaving this website
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?