Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.