Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

😍😂🥰😂😍

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101