“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Harsh but fair
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens