“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
You Might Also Like
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Feels
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.